every woman looks better in a sundress.

I hate winter. It's so depressing, and I'm so white. It's too cold to go out and actually do stuff. I've been indoors basically all day just reading. It makes me feel like a total bum. Where are you, sunshine?




P.S. I need plans for New Years! I refuse to be stuck indoors like I have been for the past two years.

saint nick.

Merry Christmas! :]
Today was a very successful day. My aunt came down last night and she spent today with me and my mama. So yeah :] I love her so much, I know I say it all the time, but she's made a huge difference in my life. She's taught me a lot. I'm glad she's been around a lot more lately. Oh yeah! Before I forget, my bfffe dropped off the best christmas present ever this afternoon! Kana made me a scrapbook of all the wonderful times we've had together. I loved it so much. It was SO awesome. No lie. So I'm rubbing it in your faces because I told Kana I would. :D

infection.

My nose ring is infected. :[ I'm going to change it back to a stud on tuesday hopefully. Winter break is finally here! I want to sleep so badly. Today was extremely long.
That is all.
goodnight.

fuck off.

If you don't like what I'm writing-- don't fucking read it. No one is forcing you to. It's my blog. I can write about what I please. Whether it's about a boy or a friend, it's not your place to judge me. So stop criticizing it.

I dropped acid on a saturday night just to see what the fuss was about.

I want to go out for one night and everything turn out right. I want to have fun and let my guard down a little bit. Every time I go out, something horrible happens. I'm not exaggerating either. It's true; I have a few good stories to tell(not here, though). It's like fates way of telling me to stay in and read a book. I hate it! Don't get me wrong, I'm totally okay with staying in for the most part, but when I actually do go out, I want to make the best of it. I'm scared that if something happens, everyone will be too fucked up to care or do anything about it. I just don't want to be put into another bad situation. I'm sorry, and I'm not trying to call anyone out(i'm really not), but if you can't even take care of your friend because "you can't stand the smell/sight of puke" or "deal with how they're behaving"...Well, I think you need to fucking deal or just not go out at all. If that person dies or is seriously injured while you're with them, you're responsible for their life. Am I wrong? I don't mean to go all Mama Hen on anyone, but seriously? Have some fucking compassion and grow up. Stop being so damn selfish.
I think it's my turn to have a good time. I feel like I haven't in a long time. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm trying to let you know that

YOU ARE BEAU⋅TI⋅FUL
why are you the only one who can't see that?
love yourself, please.

I am healing, but it's taking so long.

Is it wrong that I still keep tabs on you? That I drive by your house whenever I get the chance to? Or that I still dream of you from time to time? I feel like it's a necessity. Just to make sure you're still alive. I know you're gone, and most likely are never coming back, but sometimes I still wonder if you'll show up randomly one day when I least expect it. I hope for that almost everyday, just to show you who I've become. I'm not the little girl you met. I've grown up, I've changed. I'm not so innocent anymore. I'll keep looking out the back window just in case you happen to finally be there one day.

december, come to me.

It's raining again. :] I looooooove the rain. I know I've said this before in a previous blog. but seriously. i love it. I just don't like this whole really really really REALLY cold thing. We live in the bay. It should NOT be this cold.ever. It's December! But it doesn't even feel like it. It sucks. I want stormy nights and sunny days that are FREEZING. And candy canes and those annoying people that ring their bells outside stores trying to get you to donate money. I want a christmas tree with presents under it, and holiday music. Except I haven't yet experienced that. When I was little December WAS Christmas. Everyone was always shopping, and there was holiday music, and the tree was up twinkling and there were presents. I haven't had that in years. I hate the holidays. I also love them. I can't decide. C'mon holidays, brighten my day.
I'm in one of those moods where I don't know what mood I'm in. It's a bit annoying.
This weekend was okay. Ginger making was on Saturday which was pretty cool. I've just been in a super shitty mood recently, so everything is out of whack. Hopefully this week will be a good one.
By the way- How fucking DARE you call ME. Stay OUT of my life. Have I not made that clear enough for you? I don't want to be your friend.

The Three S's

There's a few elephants in the room and their names are:
Sexually Frustrated, Sexual Tension, and Sex.
Because emotional attraction is so much stronger than physical.

you're like your own sun.

Your warmth, sustainability, glow, humor, and most importantly-your never ending devotion.
There's only one problem.

FMTL.

I definitely just saw New Moon.
Dear Taylor Lautner,
fuck me.
love,
rachel

Sorry to be so vulgar with my words. I can't contain my excitement. :]

somewhere only we know

---->true definition of: "Life As An Albany Gangster"


Dear forest and roobies,
I would like this to be us when we grow old. I love you both so much. Just wanted to reassure you, in case you happened to forget.
<3 wombat

the notes are old, they bend, they fold, and so do I to a new love

I want him to melt into me, like butter on toast. I want to absorb him and walk around for the rest of my days with him encased in my skin. And as the days pass, I grow more and more anxious. Each time I approach that room I hope that I'll find him there. And each time I don't, my heart sinks.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Today is officially the worst day ever. Someone said something to me that entirely hurt my feelings. Yeah, so what, right? Your feelings got hurt, big deal. Get over it. Well, IT IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. Especially right now. I'm extremely sensitive about those kind of things and then you just make a super fucked up comment. Goddamnit. I'm sorry I don't look like your girlfriend. Did you forget that I'm a 16-year-old-girl who's slightly uncomfortable sometimes? Or did that suddenly slip your mind? Oh, and by the way- I know that look. I've seen it a million times before. Damnit.
Also, honesty box is shit. Suck my nonexistent dick, honesty box. The things people say are ridiculous. Especially when it's your friends fucking with you about certain subjects. It's completely unnecessary! And not to mention incredibly immature. I'm not trying to bash on anyone, but seriously? Is it even that fun? Do you find it amusing to fuck with me like that? It's not funny. It hurts. A lot. Have I done that to you ever? No. I don't fuck with you about things like that. I know I can be a bitch, but it's nothing like that.
Maybe I'm totally overreacting, but it just really sucks when it feels like the whole world is trying to fuck me in the ass.
Am I wrong to flip out?

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.

It's been two years. Just about this time of day too.


I feel like I don't need to explain what I'm talking about because the picture should explain it all.

Wristcutters, A Love Story.

Is my favorite movie ever.
It's too cute and the dark, twisted humor is amazing.

It could have been you

I love how my horoscopes are always dead on.
If the time has come to say goodbye, say it and move on. The longer you let discomfort and weirdness simmer, the more difficult it will be to live with your conscience. Make a clean and honest cut and you won't have any regrets.

Okay, okay...so it was a little cheesy, but it's true.
It's morning time, so I don't have time to say much because I have to go to school in about half an hour, but I just wanted to say that I loooove Joss Stone! She's amazing and so beautiful.
End of story.

Leave me alone; I'm lonely.

It seems like my teenage hormones and my brain are having some sort of wacked out battle. Half of my brain is being completely logical and is telling me NOT to rush into a relationship right now. While the other half is all mushy, gushy, and crushing all over the place for no apparent reason. Truthfully, I don't want to be with anyone. It takes so much effort to maintain a relationship, and I just don't have the time or the patience to do so. I have other things in my life going on right now that are a lot more important than some stupid boy who just wants to stick it in a warm hole. Also, I get attached easily and have a difficult time letting go. Sure, apart of me misses holding hands, being intimate with someone, waking up to good morning texts and falling asleep to goodnight phone calls, and just being a "normal" couple, but I know at this age boys are fucking stupid and immature. It takes FOREVER until they grow up (so I've heard). I'm trying so hard to stay away from them, but whenever I do, they come flocking, and it makes it extremely difficult to concentrate. Right now is the time for me to be with my friends, do well in school, and get a job. I had my boy drama Freshman and Sophomore year. They can wait a little while longer. I'm in no rush.
I'm rooting for the logical side of my brain to win.


Speaking of immaturity: What you did was totally unnecessary and completely immature. Grow-the-fuck-up already. "Bitch I never cared" Setting your AIM status about me isn't going to hurt me, or anything like that. If anything, I was extremely pissed that you would be SO ignorant to say such a thing, and then I laughed because I remembered how stupid you are. So stop acting like I'm all affected and traumatized, because I'm not. If you have shit to say, stop being a fucking pussy and say it to my face. I want to bite off your fucking head. Stay the fuck out of my life.

Rain, rain

I love this weather!
Rain, Rain, Rain! Rain more!
I want it to thunder and whatnot!
C'mon, mother nature, c'mon.



Anyways, it's Homecoming week! Whoot! So far, it's helluh fun...even though it's only the first day...I can't wait for Friday though. Lip sync, red and white day, and the football game. Sweet sauce :]

Just make it easy- you're my enemy, you fast talker

It's just not fair. Why can you be the biggest asshole on the entire planet and then try to pretend like everything is okay, and that you're not the bad guy? Yet, if I say the wrong thing, I'm just another crazy bitch. Yeah, I fucked up. I know I did, but you just fucked me over. What I said was what I meant and that's not going to change. I know I sent mixed signals, but I know you understood the point I was trying to get across. I'm glad I physically got up and left. I've been wasting my time. I was wasting my time. I have lost all of my respect for you and I don't know why I was pretending I didn't. Just because you sell all of Albany their drugs, doesn't make you the shit. So I'm officially over this whole "asshole" stage or whatever it is I've been going through. I've been screwed over so many times, I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm bound to make more mistakes, but hopefully this one won't repeat itself again.
It's not complicated, it's over.

No glove, no love.

Why are so many people rushing into the same exact thing?! It's so stupid! Plus, they're not even doing it for the right reasons. I mean, I guess that depends on your definition of 'right'. Sex is sex. Big fucking deal, I'm all for it -let's go- but it's annoying when people are just fucking, just to fuck. Especially if you're a girl. Do you think sleeping with him is going to make him like you more or maybe gain his respect? Probably not. This doesn't classify every case though! Some girls are the pimps, (my mother was one) not whores. And I totally respect that. If you're fucking someone just because you get something from it, then do it, but keep it classy. Maybe this makes me a prude or whatever, but I don't care. There's so many diseases and gross things out there! It's so easy to catch something if you're not careful. No glove, no love. That's definitely a must.
Girls are sooooooooo stupid! Why can't they just be satisfied and comfortable in their own skin? Seriously! Why do you need the approval of a man(or girl) to tell you that you're beautiful or skinny or whatever. You should be able to find that in yourself without a man. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to be complimented often, but not to the point where you're relying on others to boost your self esteem.

Get Some!

Homecoming is next week. I'm pretty excited, I guess. I don't know. Once it gets closer, I'll probably be all riled up and what not.

Why are some people in such a rush to be in a relationship? I really don't get it. It's ridiculous. I know a person who has had three girlfriends in the past two months. It's just pathetic. I feel like I don't have any respect for people like that. I mean, seriously? Have some confidence in yourself. Sheesh. That's all I have to say.

Cold.

I went on a photo-shoot today with Remy, Alana, Josie, Tavi, and Arin. It was pretty fun. I got the pictures I needed for photography. So yeah. The weather is getting colder. I hate it. Except...I like it too. Does that make any sense? Sorta. I love HOT weather. I'm going to move somewhere really warm one day. Last night was awesome though. And also a bit strange. The weirdest shit always happens to me and rem when we go on certain adventures. It's ridiculous! Anyways, I don't really feel like talking about it.
Buuut here are some pictures from today that I enjoyed :] I still need to photoshop some:

Today was a Monday

Today was a Monday.
Monday's are always somewhere in between good and bad.
I've been having this overwhelming sensation to write something remarkable and I have all these thoughts and ideas, yet once I sit down to actually write-everything goes out the window. It's becoming extremely frustrating.
Also, some things are quickly coming to a stop. I guess in a way I'm pretty much over it. I've been hurt so much by this one thing, that I no longer have the energy to be hurt. It's like my body is defending itself by becoming numb. Or something like that. I wish I could explain it better.

You're beautiful! You're beautiful! And you're especially beautiful!

Yesterday was LOVEFEST! It was absolutely amazing. Except for the fact we stood in line for over 2 hours trying to get in. Anyways, the music was so fucking rad and there were SO many cute guys. Oh my god. It basically made up for the fact that Albany has none. It pretty much met up to all my expectations and more. I only wished it was warmer :[ I left around six because I was freezing. Basically I'm entirely satisfied and exhausted. Now it's time for a totally stressful week!
Today was nice though! I saw Whip It. I officially LOVE that movie. Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore are my heros. Also, I love Drew's hair in the movie. Haha of course. I definitely recomend that you go see it or something.
I think I'm going to start writing again. It's been helluh long and I have stuff to say.

Holga

Five days until...

LOVEFEST!

I'm so excited! :] It's gonna be helluh fucking awesomeeee! Everything is basically planned out and now we're all just waiting for the day to finally arrive.
At least Monday is over. Things will go by a lot quicker now. Today was pretty decent. Actually, the past few days have been pretty decent. I feel like things are going well and that's how they should be. I'm trying my best to be positive and so far, it's working. Let all of this continue? Yes please.
Anyways, my photography teacher (Ms. Hurtgen) brought up a certain kind of camera last week or the week before- (I don't remember) it's called Holga. How could you not want a camera with a name like that?! It has actual film (not digital), color lenses, and the pictures come out in a square shape! Not rectangular. Okay, big deal...but I'm excited. So now it's on my list of things to save up for.

Count Down Till CSI Miami Season Premier: Two Days

Adam Rodriguez is helluh cute and I don't care if you disagree. Thank you, CSI Miami for introducing him to me and making him my second future husband. I can't wait. I'll see you in two days, Adam Rodriguez. Oh how fun it is to roll those r's. Haha...


Today was pretty decent. I went to SF with Lauren, Kana, and some other kids (lubes' friends) and did some shopping and saw a movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself. That was one sad ass movie. I definitely cried, I won't lie. This is why I brough up Mr. Rodriguez! He was in it! He just can't get any cuter with that little crooked smile of his. I get all goosebumpy thinking about it.

ANYWAYS! I just watched Ocean's Eleven. Classic. I loved it. Of course I only watched it because of Brad Pitt...but WHATEVER. The whole movie was great. It was like 21 except...original and WAY better.

That is all. :]

Friday, I'm In Love

Today was pretty sweet. I FUCKING LOVE FRIDAYS! It was such a beautiful day. Like, actually. I hung out with my friends and baked cookies. Amazing. This weekend is gonna be a good one. I'm gonna sleep helluh much and just kick it. I've been exhausted all week! Plus I need to get over this little cold. Bleh :[ I've also decided life is going to be good from here on out. No more bullshit. It's gonna all be okay.
Also, Friday, I'm In Love is one of my favorite songs ever. I don't listen to it for long periods of time and then when I do....it's amazing. Don't judge. It's a classic! :]
Two weeks from tomorrow until LOVEFEST! I'm so excited! It's gonna be helluh fun! So yeah.
Things are good and that's the way they should be.

Stay Together For The Kids

I WENT TO THE BLINK-182 CONCERT LAST NIGHT!
It was truly the best concert I've ever been to. The songs were amazing, they were so fineeee, and also, they interacted with the crowd. I love that. "I'm going to give Brad Pitt a bubble bath!"
Anyways, it wouldn't stop raining! Josie and I were totally soaked within five minutes. I would say the worst part was the stupid frat idiots and the die hard Weezer fans...Oh my god. Don't get me started. Ugh. The good news is that I'm going to marry Travis Barker. Yum.

Foot Fetish.

I would like to claim today the weirdest day ever. First, I went to get my nose pierced at Industrial, cause I decided it was time for a new piercing. I mean, that wasn't weird but I texted my stepsis about it and then my dad called 5 seconds later to bitch at me about how disappointed he is in my decisions of getting a piercing...blah blah blah. Then I sat behind this crazy homeless guy on the bus coming home. It was so funny! He was clicking his tongue and trying "to commuicate with ailens". I almost pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. Then, as I was waiting to hang with a friend, this creep walks by staring at me and then is like, "You have really nice feet." What the fuck do you say to that?! So I just smiled and said thanks, but I guess he took it as an invitaion to talk to me..."Where do you live?" -Berkeley "Do you have a boyfriend?" -Yes. Then he totally just left. This guy had to be like in his late twenties or thirties.I really couldn't tell. It was so weird. I'm still creeped out.
Anyways, 7 days till the BLINK182 CONCERT! I'm so fucking stoked! You have NO idea.

Innocence?

It's so funny how much I've changed since Freshman year. I was talking to an old friend and they couldn't grasp the concept of how much I've changed since then. I guess it's because they met me when I was extremely innocent and negative about most things. Also they haven't seen me since my Freshman year, so that might have something to do with it too. So yeah. I suppose that's all I have to say.
And I'm totally stoked for Sunday! Piercing+Movie time! Eeeeek!



October 2007. Helluh old...

Family Portrait

I would just like to say that my mother was a total beauty back in the day.
She was 16 here. Same age I am now.
Do you see the resemblance?



Anyways, some people are being incredibly stupid. I'd rather not go into details or anything right now, but seriously? Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself. Jesus. I bet you have NO idea what's been up with me right now, do you? You're so wrapped up in yourself you've barely looked around to see what's going on. Oh well.
By the way, I apologize for flaking out today. Maybe another time or something. I need time to straighten things out.

Electric Twist

Today was pretty decent. Not very much happened, but I'm in one of those "productive" moods. I definitely love it. I'm totally stoked for this year. I want to make it one of the best. Of course, so far a few things have already gotten in my way, buuuut whatever. It's gonna be okay. To change the topic: I helluh love Post Secret. Anyone who's reading this should know what it is(if not, go look it up!). So I'm making a new list of goals for the school year and sending in a secret is one of them, since I didn't do it this summer. Well, yeah. Maybe when I figure out my goals completely I'll post them up here. Sound good?

I love A Fine Frenzy. I think she's strangely beautiful.



p.s. you looked really, really cute today :]

Sitting in restaurants; thought we were so grown up

Today was the first day of school. I'm officially a Junior. Damn. That's such a hard concept for me to grasp, like actually. I still feel like a Freshman. It's so weird how quickly high school seems to go by...I thought I would be stuck there forever, but I'm almost done. How strange. They fucked fucked my schedule up the ass, so I had to fill out a petition to get it changed...I'm still waiting for it too...urgh.
Anyways, I've decided that this year will stay drama free. I always say that I want it to be drama free or whatever, every year...but I'm really going to stay out of it this year. I feel like there's so many other things that are way more important than some boy or a rumor being spread. I feel like I've drifted away from people I really care about and I think it's time to reconnect.
So this year will be a good year and nothing will stop me.

When there's nothing left to say, I hear that life moves on

Friends tend to grow apart at one point or another. It's pretty much inevitable. Okay, that's not always true, but for some reason it usually happens. I haven't yet met a girl that I've stayed friends with for more than a couple of years. I usually get hurt in a certain situation and end up not trusting that person any longer. I end up losing all of my respect for them. They usually get themselves in some ridiculous situation and expect me to get them out of it. I understand helping someone out when they're in need, but when it's constant I tend to get annoyed after a while. Especially when I give them my all and they don't give theirs in return. That's probably the worst. It really hurts me. I don't know why I get so sensitive over things like that. I really don't. But when your supposed to be someone's "best friend", you can't take them for granted and expect them to always be there for you when you're not there in return. It's unfair and not a real friendship. I'm not saying that I'm not friends with someone any longer, we're just going through a rough patch and it's really difficult to handle.
I feel like I'm always there for you, taking care of you, listening to you, complaining about things you can fix and refuse to do so, asking for advice then throwing it back in my face, calling someone your best friend who sure doesn't give a fuck about you, doing things you shouldn't be doing, and mostly forgetting about those who really do love you. I'm like a magic little pill you take that helps you out when you're in need. I can't be that anymore. I love you, I really do and I know what I just said was a bit harsh, but you've really hurt me and I don't know what to do anymore. Can you just be my friend again? I don't know who you are anymore.