Justify My Love

It's funny how I can remember the strangest things. Exact dates and times something happened. The exact words that flowed from someones lips. Little things that left a mark on my heart. Certain words a person said, something they didn't say, what they did, what they didn't do...what they should have done. Some days, certain scenarios play through my head over and over again until I'm too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sometimes I get so scared that I won't be strong enough to get over someone that's hurt me. I guess that's my biggest fear. Not being strong enough to get through a problem or situation. I try so incredibly hard to make sure I stay strong and not let my emotions get the best of me. That little voice in the back of my head that I can still hear some days, telling me that I can't do it. So I fight it.
I always forget about the consequences about liking a person. Emotional strings are always attached. For me at least. Not always, but 85% of the time. There's been times where I've been completely fine, and others where it's taken all that I had to get out of bed.
Even though it's been a year, and everything has been over for so long, and we're both moved on and have new lives, I sometimes find myself waking up during the night thinking I hear someone tapping on my window. Of course, I know no one's there, but I can't help but wonder if he's returned to tell me of his adventures. Where hes been, what hes been doing. I would ask him all the obvious questions: why didn't you ever call? did you think of me everyday, like I thought of you? I already knew the answers to these questions though. Yet, they still lingered on the tip of my tongue hoping that the answer would some how be different. It's like I lost something I couldn't replace. He never returned. He never showed up unexpectedly. And the worst part was that he never, ever called. He just left me with the most awful feeling inside that hasn't seemed to have faded.


I wanna kiss you in Paris
I wanna hold your hand in Rome
I wanna run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country
You put this on me
So now what, so now what?
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love

Only one reason for a thirty-eight. And that's to kill your man.

Today is one of those days where I feel completely baffled by all of my emotions. One moment I'll be totally carefree and the next absolutely miserable. I don't know what's wrong with me. Actually, come to think about it, everyone has been pretty emotional today. Not just me.
round and round and round my emotions go...
And some people. Not just one person. I mean people. Anyways, some people are really starting to bug me. I don't what it is. I'm sick of listening to them preach their bullshit all the time. I just don't need to hear it. I listen to the same thing every day. I get it already. Fucking Christ. Hearing them speak makes me want to punch them in the face. Really. And this other person, I don't know about them. They're being extremely difficult right now. And truthfully? I'm learning to not care so much. They never follow through with what they say. Sometimes when I have time to think about it, I realize it's because they're scared. Of what exactly? Failing. Losing someone incredibly close to them. It's sad to watch someone disintegrate right in front of your eyes. Someone who has so much potential, and doesn't even know they have it. Some people you can read like a book, this person, is one of them. Everything they feel is written on their face. And there's only so much you can say and hope they listen and know that you're always there for them. Sometimes I wish they'd just shut up and listen to me. And realize that maybe, just maybe what I'm saying is actually right. Instead though, they put on a mask for the entire world and pretend everything's fine. But then there's that quote I tend to try and follow: "Don't make someone a priority, when to them you're only an option." I don't want to be stuck waiting around forever instead of living. The fucked part about caring is that I constantly worry. I can't stand to see them hurt. I always want to fix things. Make things all better for them, or us. Well, if I care enough about that person. I just want the best for them. This goes for anyone I really care about. Right now, I'm trying so hard to fix things that I almost can't function properly. I'm less social, maybe a bit quieter, and all I want to do is sleep because I'm always drained. All I can think about is what's certain: Only one reason for a thirty-eight. And that's to kill your man.

brain freeze

I haven't 'blogged' for a while. It seems things are changing [dramatically] and I guess I'm changing with them. It's not bad, it's just change. Some people are terrified of it, but for some reason, I really like it. Even if it's a bad change, I tend to be okay with it eventually.



There's this one thing though. It's been bugging me for a while now. I don't really want to go into detail cause it'll give away the person I'm talking about. Things are...very different now. Not how they were say...three months ago? I want to work out the problems. But it seems that won't be happening because they lie to me constantly. And they know that I know that they're lying to me. Yet, they still say everything's fine. But whatever. I don't want to commit to something or someone who refuses to do the same. It just wastes my time. Jeez, I sound like I'm married...
My birthday is in five days or so. Sixteen :] I'm still working on getting my permit. Two more sections plus two tests. So...hopefully I stop procrastinating and finish it.
Also, I'm getting my braces off in three weeks. You have no idea how excited I am!
Oh yesss, I almost forgot! EDT Pop!
So I'm working on convincing my mom to let me go. She said I can only go if I win the tickets on Energy 92.7 AND if Megan wants to go with me. Which means, I hope I can still go with Sakara too. So, wish me luck? I'm dying to go. Literally.

"O Rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,
Has found out thy bed
Of Crimson joy,
And his dark secret love
does thy life destroy."

-William Blake

I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything's fine

Hello Love,
I think about you often, and I miss you so. I dream of you every night, but when the dream ends we are no longer, and you're forever gone. So I awake when the dream is lovely. If only life was but a dream. -Unknown
I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling. It seems like that's been happening a lot lately though. It's almost like I'm completely disappointed. I hate it. I want things to be okay. I want to fix everything. But I know I won't. I definitely know that they won't either. I also know that I'll be fine eventually. But I don't know if they will.

four.twenty.oh.nine.

happy 4/20 :] it's so fucking hot. you have no idea.
"Oh the clever
things I should say to you.
They got stuck somewhere.
Stuck between me and you
Oh I'm nervous,
I don't know what to do.
Light a cigarette,
I only smoke when I'm with you"-Ida Maria


Not much needs to be said. It's just really hot and I can't function properly. I'm exhausted. Good night.

you're beautiful

Today has been...emotionally draining. Well, some aspects of it at least. Some things have just been more intense today. Something between jealously and devastation. No, Aunt Flow is NOT visiting right now. Alana's sleeping over for...well things that don't need to really be discussed here. It's all good though. :]
Ah! So today after school there was a note left on our locker addressed to me and when I opened it all it said was you're beautiful. Oh my god. I died of laughter. It basically made my day. I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. Now it's on the back of my door.
Well, hopefully things get better.
staying optimistic.

because I know you

I can only rise so high. Now I'm rising above, but there's a ceiling and I'm about to hit it.

There are some lines that should not be crossed. Telling people who they are, is one of them. I'm older now, I know who I am, I'm not still figuring myself out-- I'm past that stage. I've made mistakes, had experiences I never want to experience again, done things I regret, and learned from most of it. I've learned to let the little things go, and fight for what I believe in. Growing up, I've been taught to only accept the love I think I deserve and never settle for anything less. Of course, not knowing everything, I've settled for less, believing it was what I deserved. And now that it's over, I'll never go back to that. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. It doesn't make me a conceited bitch, it shows that I have some self-respect for myself. I refuse to let someone take advantage of me. Just because my experiences may not be as adventurous as someone else's, doesn't make them any less. Everybody's life is different, and no one likes being compared to someone else who lives a completely different life than them. People can't go around claiming they know everything about one person because they never, ever truly know what goes on behind closed doors.
Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to hit the ceiling.

I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention.

hahaha this definitely made me smile.

days go by...

So far, break has been pretty good. Last night was pretty fucking funny though.
Me, Remy and Alana went to Zachary's pizza to you know, eat, and I must admit...we were pretty obnoxious. :] The waiter finally came over and said: "We [the waiters] have a bet. Are you guys stoned?" Oh my god. I just about died. So yeah, that's been like the best thing so far this break. I can't put down everything about last night, but I'm pretty sure you get the point.
I've been thinking a lot. More than usual. It's kind of a difficult situation. Well, not exactly. The more I think about this situation, the more it makes sense. Jeez, this sounds so stupid. But if I've learned anything in the past three months it's:
"don't make someone a priority, when to them you're only an option"
because it's true. Why are you going to waste your time on someone who doesn't want you the way you want them? Or just in general. That's why I don't see why some girls always excuse the behavior of the guy their with. Especially when the guy fucked up. It's not okay. And when I say fucked up, I mean fucked up big time. Something you can't easily forgive. Or really shouldn't forgive. I don't mean to bash on anyone, and I'm not. I'm just observing some of the situations that are going on around me.

She says that we're probably better off as friends

I guess.