sunset is the saddest light there is

Today was a good day. Only because I found out a few small things. Without those small things today would have sucked. It's truly amazing how the littlest things have the biggest impact on my mood.
Something new. Well, sort of. I've been having this dream a lot for the past few nights. And each night it ends the same. I wake up, my heart racing, body trembling, sweat profusely falling from my face, and my breathing heavy. I would dream I was standing on the edge of the cliff at sunset, looking down into the endless blue darkness. Waves would crash against the rocks, waiting to devour me whole. I'd stay there until you walked by and saw me, then I'd fling myself off the cliff into the water without a moment of hesitation. Free falling. The most curious feeling would build up in my stomach as I fell down, down, down. It was like a thousand butterflies fluttering around inside, pressing against the lining of my stomach, wanting to break free. And when I did this, you never jumped in after me. You'd stand there at the edge looking out into the sunset, mouthing something I couldn't understand, as the tides violently dragged me out to sea. No matter how hard I tried, I could never swim back to the top. And the whole time I'd be crying, water filling my lungs, begging for you to jump in and save me. But you never did, and I know you never will, but I keep jumping off that cliff hoping that each time it'll be different.


I don't know how else to tell it right now.

and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be

It's been a long week. I never thought I'd make it through alive. Or at least in once piece. It's a sunday night and I have no school tomorrow, yet I'm at home because I'm helluh tired and plus I need some alone time to get things done. Yaknow? I've been stressing helluh fucking much over chemistry and english right now. It's driving me insane. I have a fucking english book report thing due wednesday and I'm trippin! And don't even get me started on chem..dude...What the fuck is up with this weather? It was helluh hot last weekend and now it's freezing! God damn Bay Area weather. It's suppose to get warm on Thursday though...and now I'm talking about the weather. Enough of that.
Let's see...there's still one thing on my mind that never seems goes away. No matter how stressed I am, or what I'm doing, I always think about it. It's starting to get extremely annoying. Actually, things between this me and this person aren't as bad as they were a few weeks ago. It's gotten better. Or at least I think it has. Maybe I'm totally mistaken and things have actually gotten worse...but I don't think that's possible because we're actually conversing and planning to kick it soon...so I guess things are actually going back to the way they used to be. Which I'm enjoying cautiously because I don't want to ruin things...again. There was a point, when we weren't talking, in which I felt so low and lifeless. I floated through each day just doing the bare minimal work that needed to be done. It was almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning, go to school, see them and not feel some kind of shame. But that was then, and this is now. I'm not going through that anymore.

set me free.

I've seen basically everyone today. Jesus. I even saw Henry...and I haven't seen him in HELLUH days.
I ended up hanging with Kana, Josie, and Arin on Solano for most of the evening which was pretty rad. It was so much better than staying at home on a Saturday night with nothing to do. Except the only thing about going out on Saturday nights is that you get to see all the couples cupcaking. Which is...too couple-like for me.
OHMYFUCKINGGOD. Single White Female. I am going to shoot her. Ew. She's so GRIMEEEEY. Really. Hahaha...I'm such a bitch. Actually I'm just delirious right now...but I'm still a bitch.
Things have been...stressful lately, but in a different way. I don't know why. I've just been freaking out over the smallest things. The way someone says something, looks at me, or even does upsets me so much. Ugh. It's so weird. Only four more weeks. Or something like that till schools out.
I want to fly away. I want to be set free. I feel like there's all these things holding me back from what I want. Chains. Lots and lots of chains holding me to the ground, so I can't fly away. I'm beyond ready for Summer. I need to let go of so many things. Everything has been building up inside me for the past few months and Summer is the time where it all disappears. Almost as if it never existed or even happened.
Also, I think it's officially time to burn some of the things I've been saving for so long. They just keep me lingering in the past. Thinking about what could have happened, instead of accepting the way things turned out. Ugh whatever.
Summer needs to hurry up.

My substitute for love

I've finally come to the conclusion that I will never wait around for someone. I watch people I love around me do it, and I just don't want to be that person. Sure, I have crushes and blah blah blah. Some may see that as waiting around, but at the same time, I'm not dying to be with them. I just think they're cute. ;] I just don't want to be miserable waiting for someone who just doesn't want me. It's pointless. I'd rather be really happy with someone for a short period of time, than constantly miserable with someone who doesn't love me...or like me. I believe people actually enjoy being that way. Miserable and pathetic, I mean. I guess it's like a comfort to them. I guess they think it's better to always be miserable because they know what to expect, unlike when they're happy it can be ripped away at any time, unexpectedly. Or afraid of being lonely. Or my personal favorite: someone who believes they need someone to tell them that they're beautiful or amazing. Have some fucking respect for yourself. Sure, everyone likes being told they're pretty or whatever, but you don't need someone to tell you that. I don't think you can love anyone else before you love yourself. No one but you can make you happy. You'll always be miserable until you realize that. It's really not as hard to be happy as you're making it. It's all so simple.
"I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt so happy
The face of you
My substitute for love
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you?
My substitute for love
My substitute for love"


Oh. I almost forgot. Brad Pitt is helluh fine. And you need to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button :]

Saving all your bullshit for another day

I find it ironic when I say something completely vulgar about someone who fucked me over, then the next day when they see me, it's like they've just seen the most beautiful thing in the entire world. Like, they're a puppy and I'm coming home from a long day and all they want to do is be with you...all the time. Except, it's more of an on and off thing. A love-hate relationship. I don't know what to call it. Uhm...teenage hormones? Yes. That works.
I'm in the middle of a transition. Or something like that. My braces are coming off tomorrow [FINALLY] and I'm rearranging my room, plus I found more poster board to put up on my wall to write more crap on. I'm also almost done with one of my journals. There's only a few pages left. Okay, like 21, but whatever. And now, I'm officially moving on. I'm going some where new. Where they can't find me.



I love songs that I can relate to at that exact moment in time of my life.

"Feeling confined like I'm bein' force fed
My visions blurry and I'm lost in regrets
It's overload, and I'm outta control (outta control)
So sick and tired of bein' so misused(so misused)
You're taking me down with all your mental abuse
And I said, I gotta get you outta my head
Everybody's always trying to look me over
I just wanna live simple and free
I just wanna get away
Saving all your bullshit for another day
I'm the only one that can rescue me from me"
-Christina Aguilera

Don't hate. I grew up listening to her, plus her Stripped album is amazing.

The electric man looks good today. Maybe not, well I'm trying hard

'It don't hurt'-Sheryl Crow
It's a weird song, but it explains EXACTLY how I feel right now. And how I'm coping with everything. I have to start somewhere if I'm going to move on. And so far, it's working. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. There's a few things that need to be thrown out, and possibly even burned. I've given up on thinking everything will go back to the way it was. It's over. I'm sick of putting on a mask while around you. Pretending everything is totally okay. I'm tired of your pathetic apologizes. They mean nothing while you're under the influence of ANYTHING. I take it as an insult almost. I see it as: "you're too much of a pussy" to tell me sober. Which shows me how much you care. And obviously, you don't. And neither do I anymore. I'm so sick of waiting around. Waiting for you to actually apologize and mean it, hang out and want to, and most importantly, say things you actually want to and not be fake and lie to me. You've become THE BIGGEST dick-wad I've ever met. And trust me, I've met a lot of them. I thought I'd found someone I could totally trust with whatever I said. A best friend. You know? I never expected you to pull an AQM, or throw back something in my face that I did with someone else, which by the way was REALLY fucked up. You even said you would NEVER be like that person. You promised me. I guess that doesn't really mean anything though. Promises are always easily broken. But then again, I'm to blame too. I don't hate you for the way you're acting. I understand why you're being like this, but really? It's childish. You got hurt. We both did. Get over it already. I fucked up too. I know that. It was my fault for doing what I did, knowing it would fuck up our entire friendship. I was warned multiple times to not do what I did, but instead I ignored everything and let my stupid hormones take control. I thought, maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time. That maybe, it would be okay. Sure, it was for what...three weeks? Then everything went down hill. Surprise. I was wrong...again.
And you know what? I'm not alright, okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright because you play games with my head and constantly say you're sorry when you're not. And then I catch you looking at me when you claim you want NOTHING to do with me anymore. STOP looking at me. And when you watch me, I can't breathe! I can't breathe when you look at me like that, so just STOP.
I just REALLY needed to get that off my chest. :]



On a positive note:
I had lunch with Marisa today and we talked about some THINGS. :] So now, I'm excited, but trying not to be, cause it sucks when I get my hopes up and then nothing goes the way it's suppose to. Oh, and I'm getting my braces off on Wednesday at eleven am. Stoked! Oh! Oh! I think someone NEEDS to take me to see that movie called '500 days of Summer'. It comes out like, July 17th or something. But that doesn't matter. Someone is going to take me. :]

Nevada

I am waiting for my father to come pick me up right now. We're suppose to go to Nevada with Stephani and the kids...Why? My grandpa lives there now. Great. It's not like he likes us anyway. So now I get to spend four hours in a car with two smelly boys and two arguing idiots. At least I can kick it with Danyella. [Step-sister] I should have asked Alana for Firefro. Now I'm definitely fucked.
In the words of Remy: Lezzayfaire.
Speaking of which, I'm helluh jealous. She gets to ditch school to go see her brother...and 'learn' about the college life.

your face is pasty cause you've gone and got so wasted.

Last night was unreal. I thought I was dreaming. I can't even begin to describe what happened. It all happened so fast. I wasn't prepared. Things were said that weren't meant to be said. Some people crossed the line...BIG FUCKING TIME. Which wasn't okay. At all. It's totally unforgivable.



I am not your fucking property. It was completely unacceptable how you treated me.
That describes a lot of my night. Just a few parts though.
I'm sorry if I refuse to do what you tell me. That's just not how it works around here.
Alana, I'm sorry it all happened. Things just didn't go the way we planned. It happens. Everything will be okay eventually. It'll blow over. Lezzayfaire :]
And other people. Still...why are things so fucked up? I thought we decided to get over it. I guess not? I'm leaving it up to you. This is the last time. I can't keep waiting around to be all good again. I have a life to live. Talk to me when you're sober. I'm sick of your pathetic wasted apologizes.

Happy birthday to me.