It's a weird song, but it explains EXACTLY how I feel right now. And how I'm coping with everything. I have to start somewhere if I'm going to move on. And so far, it's working. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. There's a few things that need to be thrown out, and possibly even burned. I've given up on thinking everything will go back to the way it was. It's over. I'm sick of putting on a mask while around you. Pretending everything is totally okay. I'm tired of your pathetic apologizes. They mean nothing while you're under the influence of ANYTHING. I take it as an insult almost. I see it as: "you're too much of a pussy" to tell me sober. Which shows me how much you care. And obviously, you don't. And neither do I anymore. I'm so sick of waiting around. Waiting for you to actually apologize and mean it, hang out and want to, and most importantly, say things you actually want to and not be fake and lie to me. You've become THE BIGGEST dick-wad I've ever met. And trust me, I've met a lot of them. I thought I'd found someone I could totally trust with whatever I said. A best friend. You know? I never expected you to pull an AQM, or throw back something in my face that I did with someone else, which by the way was REALLY fucked up. You even said you would NEVER be like that person. You promised me. I guess that doesn't really mean anything though. Promises are always easily broken. But then again, I'm to blame too. I don't hate you for the way you're acting. I understand why you're being like this, but really? It's childish. You got hurt. We both did. Get over it already. I fucked up too. I know that. It was my fault for doing what I did, knowing it would fuck up our entire friendship. I was warned multiple times to not do what I did, but instead I ignored everything and let my stupid hormones take control. I thought, maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time. That maybe, it would be okay. Sure, it was for what...three weeks? Then everything went down hill. Surprise. I was wrong...again.
And you know what? I'm not alright, okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright because you play games with my head and constantly say you're sorry when you're not. And then I catch you looking at me when you claim you want NOTHING to do with me anymore. STOP looking at me. And when you watch me, I can't breathe! I can't breathe when you look at me like that, so just STOP.
I just REALLY needed to get that off my chest. :]
On a positive note:
I had lunch with Marisa today and we talked about some THINGS. :] So now, I'm excited, but trying not to be, cause it sucks when I get my hopes up and then nothing goes the way it's suppose to. Oh, and I'm getting my braces off on Wednesday at eleven am. Stoked! Oh! Oh! I think someone NEEDS to take me to see that movie called '500 days of Summer'. It comes out like, July 17th or something. But that doesn't matter. Someone is going to take me. :]
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